Life's Like That
by Zanymaniac
Summary: In an alternate universe, where Harry resides with His Uncle and Cousin Dudley, things have turned out differently than that in canon. All that is familiar to a young Harry is about to change drastically when the unexpected occurs. Warning: Crackfiction.


_Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling, and nor do I claim to be_

Life's Like That

Harry Potter was an unhappy boy. Scratch that, he was a very miserable child. His young life is a un—ideal lifestyle for that of a ten year old boy to live. However this all changed one rainy evening sometime after the school hours were long completed. You see young Harry couldn't come home straight away. The neighbourhood thugs— including the ringleader Dudley, enjoyed spending some quality time with him. More time together than that was healthy; for poor Harry anyways. No adverse reactions ever occurred to the thugs. Not that you ever could tell anyways, after they had finished with Harry, they all sped away on their rocket powered roller blades, all the while cackling manically. One time they had even managed to run over this random bystander who happened to be a middle aged blues singer.

Harry had often speculated upon the reasons for Dudley's outright hatred on him. He had eventually come to a conclusion. Dudley just had a bunch of mummy issues. After all he had, in a small way contributed to her untimely death. The nurses had announced that Petunias child had just been too large for her body to handle and she died in childbirth as a result.

So back to Harry now, he was on his way back home, back "home" to his angry Uncle who held no love for his only nephew. Finally after almost three hours post school closing time Harry arrives onto his property. Walking up to his house, he looks around nervously, but all was as it should be. However as he attempts to open the door it wouldn't budge. It was locked. So he proceeded to knock. He could now hear his Uncle Vernon stomping down the stairs, which were now all groaning underneath the excessive weight. The door opens and he could now glimpse his Uncles enraged face appearing madder than a raving lunatic.

"Where have you been boy, you're LATE" he bellows, his triple chins jiggling and his face turning a brilliant shade of reddish purple.

"I was trying to come home but—"

"No buts! You're grounded, now go feed the chickens!"

"But we don't even have any chicke—"he attempted to point out.

"NO BUTS!" And with that verdict hollered he began to raise his hand to strike, but before he could make contact with the now cowering Harry an old homeless person leaped out from behind the old tenement house that randomly resides beside the porch. The man then proceeded to attempt to make like a Ninja and flip the enraged Uncle upside-down (who was now howling at both the hobo and poor Harry) but ended up failing spectacularly. In the process of doing so he dropped Harry's oversized Uncle on his noggin that managed to break the man's neck thus killing him. Once the duo had finished watching in sick fascination at the twitching body, the old hobo turns around.

"Opps, my bad." He exclaims sincerely, and then continues to turn back around towards the body. "And that's what you get for dumping me!"

"So Harry, I really am sorry—"

"Wait, how do you know my name, I mean I don't know you "

"Harry, I am your Uncle, and Uncle's generally should know their Nephew's name."

"But you just killed my Uncle"

"Ahh but you see Harry, your Uncle and I were in a pretty intense relationship one drunken night and we ended up getting hitched in Vegas. However shortly after we got you—"

"How'd you get me, I mean where did I come from?"

"Your Mum" the old hobo blurts out "You came from your Mum"

"Huh, wait; hold on here, who's my mother then?"

"Bloody hell, I don't know. I just found you in an alley one night and asked your now deceased Uncle if we could keep you, and he replied sure honey. It was much rather like getting a new puppy dog really."

"Oh"

"About one year later he broke it off with me; mumbling something about a "petunia" then placed a restraining order upon me so that I couldn't be near you. However as of today with no one to reinstate that order, that is annulled and I can take you home with me."

"But you're homeless"

"Eh, well that's just a facade I keep up to protect my personal treasure and keep it safe."

"Huh, never mind, I probably wouldn't wanna know anyways." Harry announced.

And so in the end Harry and his newly discovered father walked out of their home and lived very happily ever afterwards in their new one, but not before hiding the body.

_Please Review. It can be just about anything, so long as it pertains to the story. Thanks_


End file.
